Living in Guilt Through the Years

I still harbor the feeling of guilt towards my father's death. Mentally, I am still not stable. Self-condemnation and emotional anguish are putting my mental health to the test all through these years as I continue blaming myself.

I find it difficult to forgive myself for not giving him more attention while he was still alive. I turned to drinking to drown my sorrows, staying out late to party, and coming home drunk in an effort to heal the wounds left by losing touch with my husband. While I did all those useless activities to mend my own broken heart, I neglected to perceive my dad's own battles as he wrestled with misery following his separation from my mother. I was selfish to think only about myself. 

Even though my father was an alcoholic, he was a kind-hearted man, a good provider with a great sense of humor. Unlike my mom, who tended to be grumpy, my father was the one who brought joy and laughter into our household. He was a soft and patient father, always choosing to discipline us in a gentle manner. He never resorted to physical punishment, and would even take the beating for us from our mother hands whenever she demonstrated her method of discipline, which often involved belt and broomsticks. 

Despite my efforts to reassure myself that my father's demise was not due to my actions, I struggle to accept it. While his alcoholism may have contributed to his illness, I blame myself for not intervening. I could have stopped him from drinking, ensured he received proper medical care, and supported him in leading a healthier lifestyle. I didn't. Regrettably, I allowed him to deteriorate his health as I prioritized socializing with friends and enjoying nightlife. My focus was solely on having fun, neglecting my father's well-being. 

There are endless "if only" and "I should have" in my head. My heart is filled with so many regrets. I have lived like these since my father left this world; living in guilt, anguish and regrets. I am tortured everyday with the fact that there is nothing I can do now because he is no longer here. For how long will I be living like this, I do not know. Twelve years had passed yet the pain of losing him still feels fresh.

To all of you who still have a father, a good father, take care of him before it is too late. Give back whatever you can, celebrate him. A Father's love and sacrifices for his children is not widely acknowledged compared to a mother's but as children, we know their silent love languages. They may not always express their affection openly, but we can always rely on our father to love, protect, and support us.